A Change of Heart

The following is excerpted from an email I posted to an Attachment Parenting advocacy list.  I was responding to a critic who suggested it would be wrong for AP advocates to appeal to traditional, religious parents' values (e.g., Jesus' message of nonviolence). He claimed that since fundamentalist religions still sanction violence against children, it would be a "sell-out" to "the enemies" of our cause...

There is no sell-out. We cannot "prevail" in a war
against violence. The only lasting cure for hate is
love, and unconditional love means opening our hearts
to people *as they are* rather than condemning them as
evil or writing them off as hopelessly ignorant.

I'll share a personal story to illustrate my point,
although it doesn't involve religion...

In my work as a parenting coach, I was once asked by
an attachment parenting mother to persuade her husband
to allow their toddler to continue cosleeping. He had
been pushing to try a cry-it-out method to get the
child used to sleeping separately.

I agreed to talk with him, but frankly I was scared. I
didn't want to fight him, and I didn't think I could
"win" if I tried. My experience told me that even the
most irrefutable arguments in favor of cosleeping
would not be enough to effect a change of heart.

Since I had nothing to lose, I tried an experiment:
What would happen if I were to accept him 100% as he
is and let go of any thought that he should change?
What if I committed to *serving* him rather than
changing him? What if I chose to see what's good in
him rather than what's "wrong"? I entered the
conversation with that attitude, with the goal of
understanding. Mostly I listened and empathized. I
sincerely considered his perspectives and connected
with his needs, hopes and fears.

The more accepting I was, the more his heart and mind
opened (and my own fear also dissolved). There was no
feeling of being opponents; we were on the same side.
At one point I casually mentioned one of the
developmental benefits of cosleeping. I was truly only
sharing information, with no intent to persuade, but
since his mind was open by then, that little tidbit
somehow tipped the scales for him. By the end of the
conversation, it was clear to both of us that he
*wanted* to continue the cosleeping but had been
unable to see how it could be compatible with meeting
his own, valid needs.

I am not a practicing Christian, but in this case it
was the Christian principles of nonviolence and loving
the "enemy" which led to a truly positive outcome.

I hope my story illustrates how it is possible to
serve an individual or group without "selling out" to
their fear-based positions (nor condemning them). You
can always find a common ground if you keep looking
for it. What I have learned through parenting and
coaching is that the drive to *connect* with other
human beings is ultimately stronger than the
compulsion to be "right". I think attachment research
tends to confirm that theory.